You’ve heard the phrase, “trying to fit a square peg in a round hole”? Well, if not, try to imagine it. I am that square peg…and too many times, I have tried to fit myself into a mold that either others expect me to fit into—or—a mold that either, I think I should fit into, or that I think others think I should fit into. The funny thing is that I am in my fifties and still learning that I don’t often fit. Let me explain…
I’ve been in church pretty much my whole life. As I became an adult and had a family, I wanted to be involved…sometimes a little too involved. By that I mean that I wanted to do too many of the things at times. You might hear churches pleading with people to help out and serve in diverse areas and talking about not being able to get people to work. Well, I wasn’t the one always resisting God’s call to work…I was too often the one who God had to basically say, “Slow down a bit…that’s not for you to do but someone else.” And, more times than once, it has gotten me in a bit of trouble…for myself and for those around me…because doing too much can be just as bad as not doing enough…and let me tell you, it can get heavy and weigh you down at times.
The problem comes in when I want to do something, but feel “checked” about it. Feeling checked is simply what I call the Holy Spirit nudging me to say no or stand steady where I am and not move forward or go a certain direction. It has been my experience on multiple occasions that I regret it if I don’t listen; and when I have listened, I have realized later why I was glad that I did…God knew what was best.
What often happens when I proceed where I should have passed is that I either have to carry through with my commitment in turmoil, and sometimes turmoil for those around me if they have to endure with me, especially Steve. Or, I have to quit, which brings turmoil to myself in having to muster up the energy to back out of whatever I committed to; and to others because they now have to find someone to fill the spot that I thought I would be filling.
A few examples from my life…
- The time that I committed to teach a six-week Bible book-study class but realized I may have been too motivated by pride. I felt God nudge me to follow through. The weight of stress and anxiety also followed me through.
- The time that I was definitely motivated by pride to accept a youth leader position for one year. By the time the last few months rolled around, I was literally marking off the days on the calendar. I finished, but I knew that even if they did not have a youth leader the following year, I could not do it.
- The time that I wanted to teach that little kids’ Sunday School class, but I was in college (as I was with the youth position) as a non-traditional student with two kids of my own. I knew God had confirmed that path at that time—AND—had allowed me to see that it was ok to take that time to study rather than take on a ministry position during…as Paul had done once Jesus converted him on the road to Damascus. He took time to learn before he began his ministry. (See Galatians 1.) I was often trying to prepare for that class on my way to church on Sunday mornings.
- The time that I actually did listen and not follow through with my desire to have a second-annual Easter Egg Hunt for the neighborhood kids. I couldn’t understand because it had gone so well the year before and seemed like such a good outreach ministry. When the day came, a tragedy happened with a good friend of ours, and we would have had to cancel. God knew where we would need to be that day.
These happenings where I have failed to listen have been brought on by a variety of motivations…sometimes pride (as mentioned), sometimes me wanting to do it or fit in, sometimes pressure, and sometimes because it has “made sense,” so I reason out that this is in fact what I should be doing. Granted, I very likely prayed about each, but have not fully heard…or maybe at times wrestled with hearing the truth. Maybe it was people-pleasing, or maybe it was an extrovert moment for this social introvert. THEN—I have to backtrack—AGAIN. Well, you can probably guess, but this happened again recently. I agreed, signed up for, and planned to do several things that I ended up having to “lay aside” once again.
Perhaps, there may be people who don’t understand. Perhaps, there may be people who think I should. Perhaps, there are people who may even get upset with me behind the scenes; but what I have discovered is that try as you might, you cannot easily fit a square peg in a round hole. And, when I try to force that, it may simply be a season that has had too many other factors involved; but whatever the reason, when I try to force it, I must lay aside the extra weight in one way or another.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.”
Hebrews 12:1 NLT
I think the conclusion of the matter is that when we (not just me) take up responsibilities that aren’t ours to take on, we take away from the race God set before “us,” which can cut in to our joy and peace. When we override the check (or sometimes nudge) of the Holy Spirit, we can go down a path that gets a bit rough (or heavy) until we lay aside the extra weight. When we conform in areas that we need to stand firm, even thought it makes perfect sense, we lose a little of who God created us to be…even if we aren’t sure exactly who that is yet.
“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”
Romans 12:2 NLT
[Love that so much!]
This time, I put together a list for myself to try to better make future decisions. I also am reminded that pleasing God is my goal regardless of how people may view me.
“For they loved human praise more than the praise of God.”
John 12:43 NLT
[I don’t want that to be me.]
Lastly, as I am once again lighter since making a few changes and laying aside some extra weight, I am realizing more and more the joy of embracing and celebrating the life of a square peg!
